mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She said her name was "party"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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