i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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