This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
