Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
