we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
