Jerry, you need to find god
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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