I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
