I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
