i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
