just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Pants are for mortals
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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