If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
