i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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