Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
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I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We left an ass print on the piano.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
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I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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