So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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