I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
