my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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