when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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