I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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