Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
