drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
