M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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