I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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