the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Barsexuality is the new black.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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