Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Drunk is a universal language darling
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