If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
