she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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