Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
her vagine was all disorganized.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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