I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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