Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
