I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
