Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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