I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
how drunk are you?
Several
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
