i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
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And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
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Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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