What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
