Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
nutella sex= disaster
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower