Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
