his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
where are my eyebrows?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
please don't ironically join a cult
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