my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
