I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
