When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
