My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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