Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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