I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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