fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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