I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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