just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
