trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i've created a new STD.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
