You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
