yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
