I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm gonna fight the coyote
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
