if you like me you must not know who I am
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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