I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Randomize
