soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
