I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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