My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Houston, we have a blender
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
