In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
