FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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