So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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