By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
