the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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