Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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