why didn't you poke me back
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
