I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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